


What To Do if You Wake Up At 3 A.M. and There's A Cowboy Standing In Your Room

by fleuresty



Category: Original Work
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Choose Your Own Adventure, Gen, I am so sorry, this is a thing i made i guess. with my hands.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:02:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22443778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleuresty/pseuds/fleuresty
Summary: You wake up at 3 A.M. and there's a cowboy. Standing there. In your room. (A choose your own adventure story that is based onthispost and turned entirely into its own extended shitpost.)The rating is mostly for language and to save the kids from how bad this is. Best read with chapter by chapter turned on.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 13





	1. Step One.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gunsavvybookworm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gunsavvybookworm/gifts).



> What To Do if You Wake Up At 3 A.M. and There's A Cowboy Standing In Your Room.  
>  STEP ONE. Check to see if you have traveled back to cowboy times. This can easily be done by asking, "Is this cowboy times?"  
>  STEP TWO. If they say, "Yes, it is cowboy times," then that explains everything. Back to bed!  
>  STEP THREE. If it is not cowboy times, ask, "Cowboy, why are you here?" or, "Why are you here, cowboy?"  
>  STEP FOUR. If they say, "I need your help to find my magical horse, Rex," go with them, because this kind of thing doesn't happen very often.  
>  STEP FIVE. If they don't say that, then this is a bad cowboy.  
>  STEP SIX. Deploy anti-cowboy measures.

**STEP ONE. Check to see if you have traveled back to cowboy times. This can easily be done by asking, "Is this cowboy times?"**

And...that is a cowboy. It's three in the goddamn morning and there is a cowboy standing in your room. He's the rugged, squinty type - the kind of fella who don't look like he'll take any lip offa anyone. Twenty gallons of badass in a ten gallon hat. Half of his fingernails are purple from the bruises and half of the remaining ones are cracked down to the quick.

Fortunately, Mama prepared you for this. You know exactly what to do.

"Is this...cowboy times?"

_If it is cowboy times, proceed to[STEP TWO](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22443778/chapters/53626612#workskin). If it is not cowboy times, proceed to [STEP THREE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22443778/chapters/53626660#workskin)._


	2. Step Two.

**STEP TWO. If they say, "Yes, it is cowboy times," then that explains everything. Back to bed!**

"Yes, it is cowboy times."

Well. That explains everything.

Back to bed!


	3. Step Three.

**STEP THREE. If it is not cowboy times, ask, "Cowboy, why are you here?" or, "Why are you here, cowboy?"**

He looks at you like you've grown an extra pair of spurs where your eyebrows should be, but he answers you anyway. "No, of course it ain't. What in the hell gave you that idea, greenhorn? No. No, it's regular times."

This has your attention. He clearly knows not only what regular times are and that he's in them, but also how he got to the regular times. You sit up in bed, blankets falling away and leaving your shoulders uncomfortably chilly. It is, after all, three in the GOTdamn morning, and your dumb ass fell asleep with the window open despite the fact that it's February.

Fortunately, Mama prepared you for this, too. If it's not cowboy times, then he's come here, now, for a reason.

"Why are you here, cowboy?"

_If he needs your help, proceed to[STEP FOUR](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22443778/chapters/53626726#workskin). If he does not need your help, proceed to [STEP FIVE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22443778/chapters/53626750#workskin)._


	4. Step Four.

**STEP FOUR. If they say, "I need your help to find my magical horse, Rex," go with them, because this kind of thing doesn't happen very often.**

"I need your help to find my magical horse, Rex," he growls out. He looks....almost sad, just for a moment, under the thick layer of manly disinterest. And dust. "He's been missing for weeks and I'm plumb stranded in these here regular days without him." He sniffs, and pulls a packet of cigarette makings out of his pocket. You try desperately to pretend your smoke detector couldn't pick up a candle blown out across the state.

It does not work, and you are left struggling into a pair of actual jeans (with a button! at 3 in the GORRAM morning!) after smacking the button on the smoke detector with the stick you keep by your bed for this exact purpose. 

"So what are you telling me, Cowboy? You need my help, my help, specifically, to get Rex back? Or is this more of a luck of the draw kind of thing?" It's too cold for this shit. You shut the window and pull a sweater over your head atop the t-shirt you were already wearing. This helps, marginally.

He keeps puffing on that hastily-rolled cigarette. You keep ahold of your smoke detector stick. Just in case. The cowboy says nothing, just raises an eyebrow from under the brim of his grimy hat. God, he looks cool. Would you look that cool in a hat like that, or does one only get that cool-looking be spending 45 of your 50-odd years in the blazing hot sun, on the back of a horse that has saved your life multiple times? Does one only get that cool-looking by trudging for decades through the desert after some unattainable rest, something of which one is born in search but out of reach?

Because you think that might be just a little out of your reach. Freezers exist and that's where the ice cubes are. But it does sound pretty fuckin' dope.

"Okay, yeah," you tell the cowboy. "I'll go with you, because this kind of thing doesn't happen every day."


	5. Step Five.

**STEP FIVE. If they don't say that, then this is a bad cowboy.**

The cowboy's eyes narrow. "I ain't here for no reason, kid. I'm lookin' for someone and it ain't none of your business."

Your eyes narrow. This is clearly a bad cowboy. Fortunately, Mama prepared you for this kind of situation.

_If Mama prepared you for this kind of situation, proceed to[STEP SIX](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22443778/chapters/53626798#workskin)._


	6. Step Six.

**STEP SIX. Deploy anti-cowboy measures.**

You grab the stick you keep next to your bed for the purpose of shutting up your smoke detector. "You sure you don't need any...help...pardner? You're not...missing anything?

The cowboy knocks his hat back off his eyes. "No. I ain't missing a thing." His hand twitched, but not toward the packet of tobacco and papers you'd noticed when you woke up - he acts as if he's tempted to go for the gun. Your grip tightens on the stick.

He draws the gun, draws back the hammer, and almost makes it to pulling the trigger, but - 

"Et abierunt, thot!" Your wand flies up, the spell cast before he can shoot you. The cowboy flies out the window, tossed out by the best anti-cowboy measures your Mama ever taught you: wizardry.

_That solves everything! Back to bed!_

**Author's Note:**

> I am. So sorry.


End file.
